| A Mental Hospital | |
| After hearing that one of the patients in a mental
hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called
him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." | |
| Eye Surgery | |
| While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye
surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my
wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?" "After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly." "I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success." | |
| Feel Better Now | |
| Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out
on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved
complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you." | |
| You've Got Mail | |
| A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he
noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it,
and returned to her home empty handed. About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed. She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked. "Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!" | |
| Back To School | |
| Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone
back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." | |
| Stop Sign | |
| A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's
window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down." | |
| Dead Bird | |
| Atif and Goher were walking along the beach. Suddenly,
Goher says, "Aww, Atif, look at the dead bird." Atif looks up at the sky and says, "Where?" | |
| Who Is Stupid? | |
| A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're
stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" | |
| Innocent Girl | |
| A little girl came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I
didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework." | |
| Businessman | |
| A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had
just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." | |
| Wake Up! | |
| A teacher is droning away in the classroom when he
notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to
the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!" | |
| Easy Eggs | |
| One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in
South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook
behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order,
he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me. | |
| Talking Too Much | |
| Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from
school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother." | |
| Millionaire | |
| A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for
making my husband a millionaire." "Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked. "A billionaire." | |
| Online Banking | |
| TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you? CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking? TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking. CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that? TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank. CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out? TECH: I'm not sure I understand? CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer? | |
| Pathan Gets Money | |
| Pathan : Ya Allah tu mujhay 100 rupay dega toh main 50
teri rah mein donga, Rastay main pathan ko zameen se 50 rupay milay toh woh bola "Ya Allah itna bhi bharoosa nahi ke pehlay he kaat liye" | |
| 1 KG Dhoodh | |
| Sardar milk shop per jaker 1 kilo bhains ka dhoodh de do, Shopkeeper : Tumhara bartan chota hai. Sardar : Acha phir aisa karo, bakri ka he de do. | |
| Main Bara Hoke Pilot Banonga | |
| Ali : Mama main bara hoke Pilot banonga Mamma : Beta mujhay kaise pata chalega ke ye mere betay ka jahaz hai? Ali : Guzarte waqt apnay gher per Gola phaink dia karonga. | |
| Mother Tongue | |
| A sardar was helping his son in filling his admission
form, Son asked to Sardar "Baapu mother tongue walay box main kya likhna
hai?" Sardar : Likh de puttar "Very Long" | |
| Shaadi Ka Khat | |
| Pathan : Maine khat likha tha ke meri Shaadi per Aana,
tum kyun nahi aye? 2nd Pathan : Mujhay khat mila he nahi. 1st Pathan : Maine likha tha, khat milay ya na milay tum zaroor aana. | |
| Shaadi eMail Se Bhi Hoti Hai | |
| Ek American ne Sardar se kaha "Hamaray yahan Shaadi email se bhi hoti hai" is per Sardar bola "Kamaal hai hamaray yahan toh sirf female se hoti hai" | |
| Meri Toh Behan Hai | |
| Sardar going with his Sister, Someone shouts "Girlfriend leker kahan chalay" Sardar gets furious & slap him & says "Oye Girlfriend hogi teri...meri toh behan hai. | |
| Jawani Aur Burhapa | |
| Teacher : Jawani aur Burhapay main farak batao? Student : Jawani mein mobile main larkiyo ke numbers hotay hain aur Burhapay main hakeemo ke. | |
| Bijli Chali Gaye | |
| Dil jisko dia woh delhi chali gaye, Pyaar jisko kia woh italy chali gaye, Phir dil ne socha, khudh khushi kar k dekhai, Hath Switch mein dia toh Bijli chali gaye. | |
| Pathan Proposing | |
| Pathan proposing a girl...hi darling kya mujse shadi kro
ge. girl...tameez say baat kro pathan. Aslam.o.Alaikum baji kya mujse shadi kro ge. | |
| Last chance | |
| During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse? He is given his last chance to run away. | |
| Perfect birthday gift! | |
| A husband and wife were shopping at a mall. After some shopping the wife said, "Darling, its my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.” The husband replied, "How about a chair??” | |
| Does you dog bites? | |
| A man was sitting near a dog. Another man appeared there and asked the first man Does your dog bites? Man: No The second man sits and the dog bites him! Second man angrily: "You said it does not bites!” Man: "This is not my dog.” | |
| It really works | |
| The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled thinking It really works! | |
| Do aankhe battis daante | |
| Saas: Khuda ne tumhe do aankhe di hai, Chawal se patthar nahi nikal sakti kya? Bahu: Khuda ne tumhe battis daant diye hai do char 2-4 patthar nahi chabba sakti kya!!! | |
| Paying the fine money | |
| A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.” The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, But if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd he will gather all the required fine.” | |
| Be saved from infection! | |
| Banta: Yeh chaaku kyun ubaal rahe ho? Santa: Suicide karne ke liye Banta: Toh phir ubalne kyu, kya zaroorat hai? Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye! | |
| Customer and tech support | |
| Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Tech support: That doesn’t sound good, I’ll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn’t inserted it yet, It’s still on my desk. Sorry…. | |
| Gabbar ka khauf… | |
| Maa apne bete se kehti: Beta so ja warna gabbar aa jayega. Beta apni maa se kehta: Maa mujhe Chocolate do varna papa se keh dunga ke mere sone ke bad roz gabbar aata hai. | |
| Idiot question and answer | |
| Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers? A: The outside. Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? A: Your nose touches the ceiling. Q: What’s a flea’s favorite way to travel? A: Itch-hiking. Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? A: Because Frost bites. | |
| Ek gharwali aur..... | |
| Pandit : Tumhare jeevan mein 6 ladkiya aayengi. Thambu : Wow, kya baat hai. Pandit: Zyada khush honey ki baat nahi hai. Ek gharwali aur 5 betiya hai.. | |
| Railway Accident! | |
| Once a young mas was asked in an interview "Did you ever meet any Railway accident? The man replied: "Yes, once the train was going through a long tunnel I have kissed the father instead of his daughter.” | |
| Learning tenses | |
| Once the teacher was teaching tenses. Boy : Miss, what will be the present tense of samsung? Teacher: I don’t know. Boy: That’s very simple… If Samsung is past then Samsing will be the present | |
| Archeologist husband is best | |
| Two girls are talking about their future husband. One is telling that she will marry An archeologist. Second girl asked why? She told, "An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have.The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” | |
| Poor neighbour | |
| Son to his mother "The people next door must be poor.” Mother said, "Why do you say that?” The son replied, "Because they made such a fuss when the baby swallowed a ten paise coin.” | |
| Medical College | |
| Two friends are walking through a garden. Suddenly one climbed up a top of the coconut tree and told to another friend "Now I can see Girls Medical college hostel”. Then the another friend replied that if you untie your hands you will see medical college also. | |
| Faithful dog! | |
| Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful? Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also. He is so faithful, everytime he returned back to me. | |
| $200 for three questions! | |
| A new client meets a famous lawyer. Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge? Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions! Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it? Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question? | |
| Jin! | |
| Jinn: Kya Hukam hai merai Aaqa Aaqa : Mulk ka sara maal meray account mey daal do Jinn: Aaqa Hukam karin Bakwaaas na karain Mey Jinn hu Zardari nahi | |
| English! | |
| Laloo parsad yadav, 1 month America mein Bush se english
ki training le ker wapis aaya. 1 din phone aya Laloo jee says: Who is speaking? Jawab aya: Hum sasura bushwa bol raha hoon. | |
| Memon and Jin! | |
| Aik memon ko jinn charh gaya .. 3 days baad jinn khud aik aalim k paas gaya aur bola "Aalim sahab! Mujhay bahar nikalo .. main tou bhooka hee mar jaon ga" | |
| Subject! | |
| Man : my wife is too good. She can talk on any subject for hours. Friend : Ahh!!! My wife is better, She does not even need a subject to talk about. | |
| Easyload! | |
| A man saw a snake on the bed of his mother-in-law (Saas). He asked snake:Please Meri Saas ko Das lo. Snake replied: Abey kia loon? Main issi se tau apna zeher "Easyload" karwata hoon! | |
| Sala Sa Law!? | |
| Judge: U r crossing the limits. Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai? Judge: How dare you call me saala? Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai? | |
| Kal Kal ke chakkar! | |
| Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupiya de do. Saheb: Kal aana. Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere laakhoon rupaye phase huye hain. | |
| Peace on earth! | |
| What do u call a woman in heaven? An Angel. A crowd of woman in heaven? A host of Angels. And all woman in heaven? PEACE ON EARTH! | |
| Car Indicator! | |
| Sardar driving a jeep in jungle, Tourist: how do you escape if lion comes now..? Sardar: give the right indicator and turn left. | |
| Light Bulb! | |
| Two factory workers are talking.Woman: I can make the
boss give me the day off. Man: And how would you do that? Woman: "Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. Boss comes in: What are you doing? Woman: I’m a light bulb. Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going? The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark. | |
| Nobel Prize | |
| A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a
sardar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.He pulls the car
over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing
there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing ?” Santa replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.” "How?” asks the man, puzzled. Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are outstanding in their field. | |
| What about you? | |
| Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in
class. What about you? Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..! What about you? | |
| Monkey was handling the steering! | |
| Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains, only a
monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: "Tying their belts” Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!” plane-crash.jpg Officer: "What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: "Checking the system” Officer: "What were you doing?” Monkey: "Looking for my people” Officer: "After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks” Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: "Serving the travelers” Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?” Monkey: "Handling the steering” Officer: "What were you doing?” Monkey: "Eating & throwing” Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading” Officer: "What were the air hostesses ?” Monkey: "Make up” Officer: "What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: "Handling the steering” Officer: "What were you doing?” Monkey: "Nothing” Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: "All were sleeping” Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: "Kissing the pilots” Officer: "What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: "Responding” Officer: "What were you doing?” Monkey: "Handling the steering !!!” | |
| Santa hanged to death by banta | |
| Santa and banta singh were both in a mental hospital.
Once they were walking past a swimming pool, santa suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Banta promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled santa out. When the medical director became aware of banta’s heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell banta the news he said, "Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and Save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is santa, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Then banta replied, "He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.” | |
| Little Preeto | |
| Little Preeto came running into the house after school
one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!” "That’s great, sweetheart,” said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it.” "Well,” said Preeto, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in Maths and 20 in Science.” | |
| See the balancing | |
| Ek baar ek kavi sammelan chal raha tha. Bhaut se kavi
bore kar rahe they. Ek sardar se jab nahi raha gaya toh woh khud stage
par aaya aur bola ab suniye. Ek kutta… Loge bole wah wah Sardar phir bola Ek kutta, kutte ke uper kutta Log phir bole wah wah wah Sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kuttey, Unkey oper 3 kutte, Ab log silent ho gaye thodi der baad ek aur sardar bole wah wah Manch wala sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kute, unke oper 3 kutte, unkey oper 4 kutte Audience sardar pareshan hokar bola, bhai ye kaun sa sher hua? Manch wala sarda bola, abe tu sher mat sun tu balancing ko dekh…. | |
| Naik Kaam! | |
| Beta Maa se: Maa, aaj maine bahut naik kam kiya. Maa: Kya kiya Beta? Beta: Maine aaj ek andhi aurat ko road paar karaya. Maa: Waah! Magar tumhe koi dikkat toh nahi hui. Beta: Bahut dikkat hui maa. Woh aurat road hi nahi paar karna chah rahi thi! | |
| No Disc | |
| Sunny: Kal movie dekhi, usme na koi scene tha, na koi
aawaz. Bunny: Naam kya tha film ka. Sunny: NO DISC | |
| Machar ko mar dal! | |
| Malik alsi nokar se:- Yahan par itne sare machcher
gun-gun kar rahen hai tu unhe maar gira. Thodi der bad Malik:- Abe sale nokar ke bachche maine tujhe machcher marne ko kaha abhi tak tune mare nahi. Woh ab bhi gun-guna kar rahe hai Alsi nokar:- Malik machcher toh maine maar diye. Yeh toh unki bibi hai jo vidhva ho kar ro rahi hai. | |
| I don't know... | |
| Ek aurat apne beta ko doctor ke pass le jaati hai aur
bolti hai mera beta bike se gir gaya. Doctor: I don’t know urdu. Tell me in english Aurat: My londa gironda from hero honda. | |
| If he went to Hell...? | |
| A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is
very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!” | |
| I am going | |
| Santa: I am going ka matlab batao. Banta: Main ja raha hoon. Santa: Main nahi jane dunga, pehle matlab bata | |
| Flash News | |
| Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more.. | |
| Sardar's Wish | |
| Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who
died peacefully in his sleep not screamin like all the passengers in the car he was driving.. | |
| Post it! | |
| Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it.... | |
| It's raining | |
| Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It"s already raining. Sardar: So what? take an umbrella and go. | |
| Murder & Jail | |
| Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense. Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail". | |
| Race | |
| Sardar- why r all these people running? Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Sardar- If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running? | |
| Population | |
| A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!. | |
| George Bush & Sheeda | |
| George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to
invade next when his telephone rang. Hallo, Mr. Bush!, a heavily accented voice said. This is Sheeda from Chuk no -3, District Gujrat, Pakistan. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! Well, Sheeda, Bush replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army? Right now, said Sheeda, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, my cousin Basheera, my next door neighbor Karam Deen, and the entire kabaddi team from the village. That makes eight Bush paused. I must tell you, Sheeda that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command. BLOODY Hell said Sheeda.l have to ring you back! Sure enough, the next day, Sheeda called again. Mr. Bush, it is Sheeda, I âm calling from Chuk no-3 Gujrat, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! And what equipment would that be, Sheeda? Bush asked. Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amjad's tractor. Bush sighed. I must tell you, Sheeda, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, i have increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke. Oh teri (oops) said Sheeda. I have to get back to you. Sure enough Sheeda rang again the next day. Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne Weâve modified Amjad's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pinda's generator. Four boys from Sahiwal have joined us as well! Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Sheeda, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, i have increased my army to TWO MILLION! Tera pala hove .. said Sheeda, I have to ring you back. Sure enough, Sheeda called again the next day. Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war. Iâ m sorry to hear that, said Bush. Why the sudden change of heart? Well, said Sheeda, we have all had a long chat over a couple of days and decided there is no way we can feed two million prisoners!!. | |
| IT Company | |
| A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company.. Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us | |
| The door | |
| After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The
employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you...! " Applicant: What is it? Interviewer: Its called the "door..!" | |
| 12 Cards | |
| Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes? Shopkeeper: Oh sure..!! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!" Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..! | |
| Useful | |
| Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions
that a wise man cannot answer" No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..! | |
| Not our responsibility | |
| Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..! BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..! | |
| Biker | |
| An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T
Shirt: "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off" | |
| IT professionals | |
| Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his
family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints" But now they are called.. "IT professionals" | |
| Yeh soch kar ruka huwa ho | |
| Pehla gadha: Yaar mein jis dhobi ke ghar kaam karta hoo,
vo mujhe bahut marta hai. Doosra gadha: Tu ghar chor kar bhaag kyo nahi jata. Pehla gadha: Kya batau yaar dhobi ki ek bahut koobsurat ladki hai, vo jab bhi shararat karti hai to dhobi kehta hai ki, teri shaadi kisi gadhe se kar dunga. Bas yeh soch kar ruka hua hoo. | |
| Best Kept Secret | |
| At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing
whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman", said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don’t know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You’ll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever." | |
| Dead Men Don't Bleed | |
| Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very
much alive.His delusion became such a problem that his family finally
paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," Banta replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger " "Dead men do bleed!!" | |
| Only One Kiss Per Yard | |
| Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the
pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That’s fine," said the girl. "I’ll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill." | |
| Sardar's Order | |
| Sardar at bar in New York. Man on his right says "Johny Walker single". Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single". Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married" | |
| Raabert had twins | |
| Raabert had twins and comes to the "Boss".. Raabert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye.. Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakho Peter. Raabert: boss or doosre ka ? Ajeet: Repeater. | |
| Is ka kya karen? | |
| Robert: Bass is gaddar ka kya karen? Ajeet: Ise sui chubho chubho kar mar daalo, pulees samjhegi ki sui-cide hua hai. | |
| Shorthand seekh legi | |
| Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona
daaa..arrling’s typing. Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do. Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ? Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi. | |
| Sodaless picnic | |
| Once three sardars decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. So, the youngest sardar said he would go home and get the soda if the others promised not to eat the sandwiches until he got back. An hour, a couple of hours, then all day went by. Both sardars were now very hungry. Finally one of the sardars said: "Oh, come on, he is not going to be back. Let’s eat the sandwiches." Suddenly, the youngest sardar popped up from behind a rock and said: "If you do, I wont go." | |
| Sardar Auto Repair Shop | |
| Four sardars wanted to open an auto repair shop. They bought the best car servicing equipment and soon inaugurated the repair shop. They all waited eagerly on the inaugural day; but no customer arrived. A couple of days passed, there were no cars that came in for repairs. A week, then a month went by, there were no cars. After all, how could cars come in, the sardars had put up their garage on the second floor. | |
| Why can’t you be like that? | |
| Pinku tells her husband, "Pappu, that young couple that
just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when
he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he
comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?" "Gosh," Pappu says, "Why, I hardly know the girl!" | |
| Who are you talking to? | |
| A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!” The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to? "No” replied the trainee. "It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!” The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?” "No!” replied the Managing Director angrily. "Thank God!” replied the trainee and kept the phone down….. | |
| Do You Love Me? | |
| Girl: Suno, are you sure you love me and no one else? Boy: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday! Girl: Kyaa?? To mere saare love letters wapas kardo. Boy: Is me se jo jo tumharay hain nikal lo! | |
| Punctuation Is Powerful | |
| An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.. All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing.” All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing.” Punctuation is powerful!! | |
| Marriage | |
| Sardarjee to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you." Sardarjee: "No Problem, then I will marry you next year." | |
| Made in Japan | |
| There was a Japanese man who went to America for
sightseeing. On his last day, he hail a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan.” After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan.” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan.” The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah…so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan.” | |
| Perfect Husband! | |
| Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, "Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!” The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello?” WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: "Yes, I am.” WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked.” MAN: "How much?” WOMAN: "$60,000″ MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’ve come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?” MAN: "Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers.” WOMAN: "OK, Honey! Now you’re talking! I can’t wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don’t be long! I love you so much!” MAN: "Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?” | |
| Another Chance! | |
| The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the
world that Saradars are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A Saradar works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!” Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Saradars start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!” The leader says, "Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance.” So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?” The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened - the Saradar starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!” The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance– What is 2 plus 2?” The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 Saradars jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!” | |
| Which Platform? | |
| A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets
another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other. What is the question ??? So, Which Platform are you Working on ??? | |
| Second Notice | |
| A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice"
that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he
paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first
notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective." www.HuM.Ucoz.Com | |
